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Leaning into Trust

When my life is hard and the spiritual tunnel I’m in seems dark, one of the hardest things for me to learn has been trusting God.  Intellectually I know I can.  God is always faithful.  But in practice that trust has been much harder to find.

There have been times I’ve wanted run away like an angry child, wildly and aimlessly, and I’ve only hurt myself more in the process.  There are times I’ve retreated deep within behind a walled fortress that no one can penetrate.  It feels oddly safe but so horribly isolating.  I want someone to climb those walls but I’ve made it impossible for them to do so.

Then there have been the times where I’ve disguised my hurt with excess–excessive work, excessive play, excessive food and/or alcohol.  Though the consequences of each of those decisions is very different, the root cause is the same.  I’m stuck, hurting and lost and I really don’t trust God to help me or try to understand how to access His help.  The outcome was also the same.  I took God out of the picture and focused the lens firmly on myself.

Through all of the trials and hardships, even when I’ve been fearful and faithless, skeptical and unsure, God has faithfully been there for me.   When I ran into yet another wall, He was there to brush me off and remind me He has so much more in store for me if I would trust.  When I wanted to jump off the deep end, He was the voice whispering in my ear, reminding me of the dangers.  Even when I jumped anyway, shamed at my weakness, hurt and fearful, He was there to gently wrap me up, dry me off, and remind me I would always matter to Him.

It broke me, His love.  It broke me of my fear.  It broke me of my pride and stubbornness.  It broke me of the desire to fight to always have to know the outcomes and the whys and to simply embrace the now.

God is faithful.  The more I leaned into Him for direction, the more He guided me forward one step at a time.  My faith would wobble at points to be sure.  I have had many a spiritual wrestling match with God through prayer and scripture that have sometimes gone on for months.  But His love kept me in the match, and I’ve learned over and over again the deep value that comes from letting God always win out in my life.  He has taken me through tunnels so dark there was no exit in sight, yet He did it.  Het got me through and actually made me a stronger, better, more joyful woman in the process.

So yes.  Trusting in God can be very hard sometimes.  He doesn’t show up in my timing or in my prescribed formula of how it should work.  And I’m glad.  His ways are so, so much better.

Proverbs 19:21 “People can make all kinds of plans, but only the Lord’s plan will happen.” Proverbs 14:12 “There can be a way that seems right to a person, but at its end are the ways of death.” Psalm 18:30 “As for God, His way is perfect.  The Lord’s word is flawless; He shields all who take refuge in Him.”

For Further Thought: What are some areas in your life you may be trusting in yourself more than in God?  What are some ways you can wrestle through  it with Him?

Prayer: Lord, please forgive me for always trying to take control of my life instead of directing my energy to You and the solutions You have for me.  Help me to remember to trust You even when it’s hard or doesn’t make sense because I know You are trustworthy and Your ways are perfect.  Only you know how to flawlessly direct my path.  Open my eyes to Your guidance and infuse me with Your wisdom so I can move forward again toward You.  Thank You that because Your love for me is so recklessly, wildly deep, You handle my heart and my life with the utmost tenderness and care.  I am humbled by this and in awe of who You are.  Thank you, Father, for your tender mercy and wise guidance.  Amen.

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