Living on a Hidden Beach

Nestled within a cavern off Mexico’s Pacific coast is a hidden beach few ever see by water—the only access point is a watery tunnel.  My friends and I joined a small group, including the captain and his mate, setting off through rough waters in search of the beach.   For nearly 45 minutes, we scaled high waves, rising up and then dropping back down time and again before finally arriving at our destination.

As we neared the entrance, the first mate instructed us to don our life jackets and helmets as the swim to the beach would be rough and rocky.  Feeling nervous, I started thinking, What did I get myself into?  But I still felt confident that I could do this.

As we got closer to the entry point, a foul stench drifted toward us, hanging heavy in the air.  It was exactly what I would imagine a cave full of bat droppings would smell like.  I felt my apprehension grow.

We were told our time was limited on the Hidden Beach due to other incoming tourists, so we were expected to jump off the gunwale immediately with helmets and life jackets on.  Then, I was expected to swim as fast as I could through the rock-strewn water until the beach was under my feet.

At this point, even greater apprehension settled in.  I was not a strong swimmer.  I thought, This may not go well, but I jumped in anyway.

Isn’t that how some choices in life are made?  You first notice a nagging thought of, Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this, or, This is not the best for me.   But we jump in anyway.

Even though I was swimming with all my might, waves kept dragging me back. Everyone else on our boat and the neighboring boats were gliding through the water, seemingly with ease. I on the other hand, was quickly becoming fatigued. I was really embarrassed and irritated at how difficult the swim was for me.  

As I contemplated turning and going back to the boat, an angel in the form of Jose, the first mate, swam to me with a buoy.  I clung to that buoy for dear life as Jose swam me safely to the Hidden Beach.

Many times, I have placed myself in compromising situations and God was always faithful to watch over me. Sending angels: friends, family, and mentors to assist me, speaking truth that enabled me to “stay afloat.”

Although I was grateful for Jose’s help, I was utterly embarrassed. I mean, I was 56 years old!  I wasn’t in prime 20-year-old physical shape, but I wasn’t in the worst shape of my life either.  I had been weightlifting and making sure to get walks in and sometimes even jogs.  The whole thing was very discomforting.  I did not want to tarnish the experience with my friends by dwelling on my inabilities, so I freed myself from helmet and life jacket, put on a smile and made like nothing weird had happened.

How I have tried to forget my past daunting experiences.  Just push them under the rug as if they had never happened.  Hoping, praying, that no one would notice the adverse effects they had on me.  Just keep on going with a smile.  Can you relate?

The Hidden Beach was roughly the size of a small open-air stadium, with a few caves that, at low tide, offered decent photo opportunities.  Its floor was sandy, and aside from the occasional palm tree along the upper rim, there wasn’t much else to look at.  It was kind of cool and interesting to know it existed, but after such a long journey through rough waves—and swimming hard through rocky passages and disgusting smells—I found myself underwhelmed and a bit disappointed

Ever worked hard for something, only to be let down when it didn’t turn out the way you expected?

I started to fret about the swim back to the boat.  What if I couldn’t do it?  Would I embarrass myself again?  Could we get seriously ill from ingesting the nasty water?  What were others saying about me under their breath?  I was very apprehensive, but swimming back through those waters was the only way that I would be able to get off this barren beach.

As our allotted time came to a close, I had to put my dreaded gear on for the swim back. With helmet and life jacket cinched, I said a quick prayer and made my way into the water.

Then something surprising happened.  Kind strangers began encouraging me, giving helpful instructions like, “Swim like a frog,” and “Swim backwards” to make it easier.

Concentrating to make every stroke count, and every kick hardy, before I realized it, I had arrived back at the boat.  I was tired and my legs felt like noodles, but I was finally off the Hidden Beach and heading back into the open beautiful world with that wretched stench becoming a fading memory.  

I had done it!  And even though it wasn’t an easy swim and it took all I had, I was glad for the experience and what it has shown me about my own life’s journey.

See, for me the beach experience was more than a disappointing and embarrassing excursion; it felt like a deeply personal life metaphor in motion.  For months, I kept coming back to it, realizing how accurately it mirrored the messiness and tragedies I had floundered through in real life.

I thought back to my life as a teenager, falling in love and chasing excitement.  I allowed the aching need to feel special shape and warp my choices.  And at barely 16 years old, I found myself pregnant.

I was a Christian! How could I have allowed this to happen? What will people think?  Just like I wasn’t strong enough physically to make it onto the Hidden Beach in Mexico, my faith was out of shape, and I wasn’t strong enough spiritually to fight the temptations that arose.

Out of fear, the decision was made for me to have an abortion. This choice left a deep and gaping wound that never healed.  It just got buried deep inside, changing how I saw myself and how I believed God saw me.  I call it the moment when my world went dim.

For forty years, I protected myself by keeping quiet about that dark day.  Living in my dimmed-out world, fearful that my dirty little secret would be found out--especially if I tried to speak up against abortion or about the effects on post-abortive women, and men. Someone who knew my past might expose me.  I literally couldn’t even say the word, “abortion."  I was surviving on my personal “hidden beach," living in the stench of my past sins.

But God.

I had given my heart to Jesus years ago, renewing my commitment to him.  I knew that I was forgiven for ALL past sins and going to heaven, but I could not shake this oppressive shadow on my life.  It was a darkness deep down that I knew shouldn’t be there.  I should have joy and peace, yet I did not understand why they were missing.  God used the DFM study to reveal this lack of clarity.  Barb’s study became a segue for the beginning of my healing journey.

It wasn’t until I grew serious about seeking the answer in God’s Word and through prayer that the Holy Spirit began to slowly and patiently woo me. He gently prompted me to return and confront that painful chapter. He knew the depth of the excruciating pain I had endured. He knew the weight of the loss I carried, and how I survived all these years by transitioning into a numbed-out state. He knew the circumstances that had made true healing seem impossible to me.

The Lord also knew that I could not move forward until I healed and FULLY accepted His forgiveness.  Yes, I knew I was forgiven, but I could never forgive myself—I felt I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t realize that for forty years, God’s forgiveness had been enough.  Nowhere in the Bible does it say we must forgive ourselves.

Some powerful scriptures reminded me of what was true:

Ephesians 2:8: “For by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.”

Romans 8:1: “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!”  

These verses reminded me that God’s forgiveness is complete and unconditional—His grace covers all of me, and I didn’t need to carry the burden of self-condemnation any longer.

In God’s care and loving mercy, He did not want me to stay on my personal “hidden beach," living in guilt and shame.  Just as I had fretted about getting off the beach in Mexico, I was fearful of entering the “stinking water” of my past and stirring up the traumatic memories of my abortion.

God patiently guided me to people who encouraged me to return and face that painful season I had long avoided.  As I navigated the Bible study for post-abortive recovery, Surrendering the Secret by Pat Layton, I felt His presence.  

I felt Him with me as I allowed myself to be angry with and then forgive those who were involved in the abortion decision.  I felt Him with me as, for the first time, I allowed myself to freely grieve the loss of my baby.  I finally opened myself up to the complete truth of Jesus’ perfect sacrifice on the cross, trusting not in my own ability to forgive myself, but in HIS finished work.

Just like that swim back to the boat, I began my personal journey back to freedom. Facing my past wasn’t easy. I had to stop often and take many breaks, resting in Christ’s love, feeling His presence, and gaining strength from His mercy before I could go on.

 The journey to freedom was laborious and required the help of others. Jesus sent “buoys” along the way: my husband who gave me space to grieve and arms to comfort me.  Friends who knew my story and encouraged me to persevere.  And, most influential of all, complete strangers who had “swum” the rough waters before me.  They strengthened me by bravely revealing their own grievous abortion stories.  Their testimonies gave me the confidence and courage to face my past, heal, and help others.

I think of Revelations 12:11: “And they have conquered him (the enemy) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.”

“BLOOD OF THE LAMB—WORD OF THEIR TESTIMONY.” This phrase leapt off the page as a powerful reminder of how we conquer evil. This is how we bring hope to others, and this is why I am writing this blog. I have been released from guilt and condemnation. The heavy cloud of oppression that once dictated my moods and distorted my sense of worth is gone. I am free—and you can be free too!

FOR FURTHER THOUGHT:  Can you relate to my story?   Maybe it wasn’t an abortion, but something else you’ve carried in secret, perhaps for decades.  I encourage you to pause and spend time with God. Be honest with Him about your past, and ask for His guidance and freedom.

One thing I have learned and am convinced of is that once light shines in the dark parts of our lives, darkness has no place.  The more we share our stories, the less power shame and secrecy hold over us.  Trust God to bring healing and consider sharing your journey with someone you trust.

Scripture makes it clear that darkness cannot remain where God’s light shines. Let these verses remind you of the unshakable freedom and healing found in Him:

John 1:5: “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

Ephesians 5:8-11,13: “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord.  Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.  Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness but rather expose them… But everything exposed by the light becomes visible-and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”

PRAYER:

Dear Lord, Thank you for Your love and forgiveness.  I come to You now, ready to be set free from my__________, the burden I have carried for years. Holy Spirit, please reveal to me the next steps I need to take to truly know I am free.  Fill me with Your peace, courage, and guidance as I walk in the freedom You offer.   In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

To learn more about post-abortive healing opportunities, reach out to Amy directly at amy.sts@yahoo.com. Fall 2025 classes starting soon.

ABOUT AMY MCKAMEY

Amy McKamey is a redeemed daughter of God through Jesus Christ who has experienced the life-changing freedom that comes from obeying the Holy Spirit’s promptings. A joyful mother of four, stepmother to three, and grandmother to eight, Amy brings a heart full of compassion and hard-won wisdom to her ministry. Life’s challenges—both self-inflicted and circumstantial—have repeatedly brought her to her knees, but God’s mercy and grace have lifted her up every time. After walking through the Boldly Shine program twice, first alone and then with her husband, Amy came face-to-face with the deep roadblocks holding her back and began a powerful journey toward renewed peace and joy. Now a certified leader in post-abortive women’s recovery, Amy is passionate about walking alongside others in pain, helping them break free from the shame and secrecy of past wounds to live in the freedom of God’s truth.

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