Taking Life By the Horns

“She’s not going to make it,” came the words from the local hospital chaplain. The

shock and pain were palpable across all the young faces who had gathered in the small

hallway outside of the waiting room. A tragic accident had not only crushed a local

family with the loss of their 12-year-old daughter, but also sent a tidal wave of pain

throughout our whole community.

For years, I could not think of that chaplain without having an irrational negative view of

her. I can only presume those angry thoughts were simply because she had been the

messenger of such life-altering news, and I needed someone to be angry at for such an

excruciating tragedy.

It did not take long for me to turn the anger I felt for the Chaplain onto God. This pivotal

moment began a long journey through self-trust and eventually into God-trust.

I began to wonder whether God really cared about me-about us. Were we just puppets

to Him-pulling one string to see how we’d react and another to see if He can break us?

This consuming anger seeped through my whole being and began to erode my already

collapsing marriage. It negatively influenced my relationship with God and marked the beginning of my journey of taking life by the horns instead of life dragging me behind.

You see, I viewed life as a bull. You know, the kind of bull that throws cowboys, like in

Professional Bull Riding? Envisioning myself being dragged behind the proverbial charging bull

by a rope, through dust, dirt, and grime. Whatever happened in my life I simply

accepted. I lived without set goals, carried along by whatever came my way.

For years, I responded to life that way, without a clear sense of direction. Others made decisions for me. There was even a season when money was so tight that I wore only the clothes that my sister, out of her kind heart, had chosen and purchased for me. I had no sense of my

own style, and looking back, I see how little ownership I felt over my own life.

Well, NO MORE! I was going to hop on that “bull” and take charge! If I couldn’t trust a

God, whom I had tried to please by being a “perfect” wife, mother, and Christian, then I

was going to do things my way. This is seriously how I felt inside. Of course, I knew

that I wasn’t perfect in all those things, but I did have a quiet resentment that even

though I did my best, God still allowed such pain and turmoil.

It took years to grasp that my attempts at wrangling that bull, trying to take control when

trust felt impossible, were driven more by survival than clarity, leaving a dust cloud of

pain for the ones I love most.

One gloomy gray day, I began ruminating over what a terrible person I was. How could

I have made so many poor decisions throughout my entire life?

Finding my way to the kitchen table, I collapsed into the chair and buried my face in my

hands, crying out to Jesus. At that moment, it was as if His Holy Spirit had just been

waiting over in the corner. Instantly, I felt His presence upon me. I felt His love

envelope me. I heard Him, not audibly, but in my spirit say, “It is by my righteousness

that you are made clean”. I sobbed. I felt only love. No condemnation. No judgement.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans

8:1).

It was at that moment that I asked Jesus to take control of that bull, and I began trusting

in Him again. No longer was I going to move without Him. No longer was I going to

take advice from others without first bringing it to Him. I returned to reading the Bible

and praying daily, trusting that His Holy Spirit would guide and give me wisdom in how I

should live my life.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without

reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5).

In God’s mercy and grace, He gladly accepted the reins, and I slowly learned how to

trust again.

Trusting is not always easy, especially when life’s hardships rear up and try to buck you

to the ground. But no longer do we need to be tormented and fearful by struggles that

come, because when we ask God to help us, when we open wide up and become

totally real with Him, He shows up in unimaginable ways.

That period of renegade “bull” riding taught me so much about God’s love and patience.

Even when I went rogue, He stayed faithful. Every day that I trust God brings a peace

like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. Even when His presence feels distant, I can

know that His Word is true, that He remains with me, and is for me. I have faith in who

He is over how I feel.

People will disappoint you. Tragedies will blindside you, and life will charge without

warning. Even so, we can be assured that God is faithful and present.

After all, we are given this great promise: “…for it is the Lord your God who goes with

you. He will not leave you or forsake you” Deuteronomy 31:6.

For years, life felt like a bucking bull that changed directions without warning, dragging

me through the dust. Even when I thought I was in control, it wasn’t until I finally

loosened my grip and let go of the reins that I discovered God wasn’t out to break me-

He was ready to lead me.

FOR FURTHER THOUGHT

Are there any areas where you have been wrangling life instead of releasing control to

God? Is there a place where anger or disappointment has quietly shaped your view of God? What would it look like to ask God, honestly and without fear, to take the reins again?

Maybe it’s as simple as sitting with Him for a few quiet minutes today and naming what

hurts: “God, this is where trust feels hard.” Then ask for what He promises to give-

wisdom, peace, and courage to take the next right step.

PRAYER

God, you see every place where trust has been broken, where anger has taken root,

and where fear still rises when life charges unexpectedly. Teach us to loosen our grip

and place the reins back into Your hands. Help us to trust You not only when we feel

Your presence, but when faith must rest on who You are. Meet us in our honesty, guide

us with Your wisdom, and lead us with Your unfailing love. Amen.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

This story reflects a season of my life shaped by grief, anger, and the slow work of

learning to trust again. I share it not because I have arrived, but because

surrender—again and again—has proven to be where healing begins.

ABOUT AMY MCKAMEY

Amy McKamey is a redeemed daughter of God through Jesus Christ who has experienced the life-changing freedom that comes from obeying the Holy Spirit’s promptings. A joyful mother of four, stepmother to three, and grandmother to eight, Amy brings a heart full of compassion and hard-won wisdom to her ministry. Life’s challenges—both self-inflicted and circumstantial—have repeatedly brought her to her knees, but God’s mercy and grace have lifted her up every time. After walking through the Boldly Shine program twice, first alone and then with her husband, Amy came face-to-face with the deep roadblocks holding her back and began a powerful journey toward renewed peace and joy. Now a certified leader in post-abortive women’s recovery, Amy is passionate about walking alongside others in pain, helping them break free from the shame and secrecy of past wounds to live in the freedom of God’s truth.

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