I Am Enough

Some days I don’t feel like I am enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not loved enough. Not worthy enough. There are days I even feel like an outcast in my work. In my community. 

I imagine this is how the Samaritan woman at the well felt in John 4:1-42. She is lonely. She is an outcast. And still, she tries her best to go from day to day, surviving the hardships that press in from all sides. 

Like this woman, I too am a survivor. Loneliness plagues me when I stop long enough from the commitments on my calendar, the upkeep of a home, caregiving, and my work as a chaplain. While I have not had multiple husbands, I feel pushed aside by the men I have dated in the past few years. I Feel undervalued as a person. One who is not worthy. 

In this time alone I struggle. I imagine the woman walking to the well in the heat of the day, head bowed, the weight of the jar on her shoulder. Going at this time because of the dirty looks and snide comments from the other women.  The burden of the heavy water jug is probably nothing compared to the burden of shame she carries.

I too carry a heavy burden. In the wake of my husband’s death I find myself alone a lot of the time. Sure I have friends with whom I do things. Of course my family reaches out, and we spend time together. And, I am alone a lot. It is a couple’s world, and I feel like an outcast at simple things like the July 4th celebrations; family gatherings; weddings; even worshiping at church. 

There are times when my loneliness is palpable. It sparks thoughts of unworthiness and lack of value.  While I know I am worthy of love, worthy of being in a relationship with others, I struggle.  So I lean into God for guidance and peace. 

Still there are times when real, physical presence is needed to help overcome the feelings of inadequacy. When a hand to hold or a shoulder to lean on can make all the difference.  I reach out to friends for dinner or a walk. I take my dog for a drive in the convertible and get ice cream.  I grab a glass of wine and binge watch Netflix.  Sometimes moving forward is a drudgery. Each step is heavier than the last.

And yet this wilderness time produces resilience in me. It makes it possible for me to come alongside others who are suffering, giving me the empathy needed to minister at a deeper level. Even though I am wounded myself, I am able to provide a ministry of presence, and one of words of hope for those who are spiritually and relationally parched. My pain helps others walk through their own pain because I set mine aside and offer my brokenness, as a gift to others.

The woman at the well offered her brokenness, first to Jesus and then to the people of the town. She set aside her own hurts and lifted her head high to share the message of hope that Jesus was offering. By affirming our pain, the woman and I make a difference for others, leading to a transformation of sorts.  

I have come to understand that I am enough. Even on the hardest and loneliest of days, I am still enough. It is within this enoughness that I am able to offer to others who feel less than worthy…. Who feel pushed to the edges…. Who question their own value. 

I am blessed to be broken. I am blessed to go through suffering…. suffering that exists every day, even if it feels as though some days it has slipped away from me. 

The companion of suffering is a gift I share with others, just as the woman who drew water at the well was able to share with Jesus the Christ. As I offer compassion, understanding, and love to those whom I chaplain, I am offering the gift of Living Water because it comes from a place of my own brokenness and the transformation that Christ has allowed to happen in me. 

FOR FURTHER THOUGHT

God created each and every one of us in God’s very image. Look around. We are all different, and yet each one of us is a beloved child of God, created to be unique.  Because you are beloved and made by God, YOU are enough!

As you read John 4 about the Samaritan woman whom Jesus met at the well, take note of her imperfect life. She is at the well in the heat of the day because she is believed by her community to be unworthy. Yet Jesus offers her a new narrative. Jesus talks of living water…. water that refreshes the soul…. transforms lives…forgives sins…..

Because of this woman, an entire community comes to know Jesus the Christ, and in the process they see that this woman is beloved. Notices that she is enough.

Christ continues to offer this living water to us today. We too can be transformed by it. Transformation that allows each of us to know, in our heart of hearts, that we are enough.

PRAYER

Loving God, I am struggling still. Remind me daily that I am enough. Yes I have sinned, and many days I feel unworthy. Yet I know that You see what I cannot… You see my value and my worth, and You proclaim that I am enough. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

ABOUT JENNY SEYLAR

A mother, daughter, grandmother, friend, and chaplain, Jenny Seylar became a widow in September 2017, and though it rocked her world, she chooses not to be defined by it. Despite her husband's unexpected death, she seeks joy in daily life with the support of family and friends. Her three grown children, their partners, and four young granddaughters bring love and engagement to her life. When not serving as a hospital chaplain or writing, she enjoys outdoor activities like walking her dog, biking, kayaking, hiking, and camping. She values creating authentic relationships with people on their faith journeys, finding fulfillment in her roles as a writer and chaplain.

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