Stirred Up: Finding Emotional Direction
Sitting at my dining room table, I flipped through the real estate listings, longing to escape my house. It was as if the accumulated clutter of my emotions lay in piles throughout my current home. Health concerns, broken relationships, and even positive opportunities all vied for my attention. I struggled to focus on any of them as I wandered from room to room. The house had become a symbol of all my struggles.
To calm my agitation, I decided to mow our lawn. At least with mowing, I knew there was a beginning and an end, with neat rows of progress to show for it. As I relaxed into the sanctuary of nature, my inner being became more open to the leading of the Holy Spirit. God brought to mind the overwhelming loneliness I had felt just before I met my husband fourteen years ago. I had been a thriving single mother. God was my husband, father to my son, and a fantastic provider for all my needs. My fractured relationship with my parents was healing, finances were stable, and my son attended an excellent school. The Navigators Ministry that I participated while in college, provided spiritual guidance to lay a foundation of prayer, scripture, fellowship, and witness. I was finishing up my English degree and very content with my circle of friends. Did I need anything more?
It wasn't long before I discovered that my support system had drastically shifted. Friends and family moved away, and the heartache of their absence was deep and sudden. Having my secure world shaken was overwhelming. Not long after there emerged the desire to share my life with someone who would love and cherish me. The feeling was persistent and could not be ignored. I finally cried out, God, either settle my spirit, and make me content with how it was with you alone, or provide a way for me to meet someone who will grow to love me just as you do.
Thus began an exploration of marriage by answering questions about what I desired in a spouse. Each step of faith developed an understanding of what complimented my life, and that which hindered my growth. The stress of loneliness slowly dissipated as I learned to walk in obedience with God, regardless of the end result. A scripture that spoke to my soul was, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4) I discovered that God was aware of my desire for a husband and would eventually supply this special person.