By MEGAN SITES
From the time I was old enough to carry around a baby doll and say the words, “My baby,” I knew that I was created to be a mom. When I was in kindergarten, I would pray in the mornings that if there was a mom who didn’t want their baby that God could leave it at the bus stop and I would take care of it for Him. So not only was being a mom something I knew I was going to do, but foster care and adoption were always a part of my plan. Always. Ha! MY plan. Even as I write this now I chuckle.
My husband Scott and I found ourselves in the middle of the ashes of life of a broken dream after being labeled “infertile” by many medical professionals. Then were told we couldn’t be foster/adoptive parents due to allegations made by his ex-wife during a messy custody battle. There were weeks and months after we were faced with these realities that I couldn’t even get out of bed. Weeping and being curled up in my favorite fuzzy blanket was my only solace. I was suffocating in the ashes of my circumstance. As soon as the sadness would lift, anger would rush in and consume me. I spent my days battling sadness and anger, drowning in grief. How could this be? Why would God do this to me? What kind of hateful God do I serve that would put a dream so deep in my heart and then not fulfill it?
In the midst of this struggle Holy Spirit reminded me of this verse in Isaiah explaining why Jesus is coming: “To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness” (Isaiah 61:2-3).
There are a couple promises here. The first promise is the promise of ashes. If there weren’t going to be ashes, He wouldn’t need to come. He wouldn’t need to redeem anything. The second promise is that he will make those ashes into something beautiful. If it isn’t beautiful, then it isn’t over, and if it isn’t good, then He isn’t done.
The enemy wreaks havoc in the ashes. Suddenly it was not just about losing out on being a mom, but Scott and I began to have hard conversations about the future of our marriage and if we should/would stay together. That, my friends, was the enemy!
The enemy lies, cheats and steals. He lies about who God is and who we are. He lies about out identity because he is terrified of our identity. We have what he always wanted. He taunts us…. Look you think you can trust God? Ha!
To make matters worse, our car blew up and Scott lost his job. I could almost hear the enemy screaming, “YOU CANT TRUST GOD! HE IS UNTRUSTWORTHY!” I was backed into a corner and terrified to pray.
Hope in the journey has been really hard for me. We originally hoped that we would be pregnant super fast, and then we hoped that we would get pregnant at all, and then we hoped we would be foster parents… hope constantly met with utter heartbreak, but here’s what I’m learning. I don’t think hope means you get what you want. I looked up hope in the dictionary because I wanted to know exactly what it meant. It’s a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen; a feeling of trust. I don’t know that hope means in the end I get a baby because I don’t know the end of the story, but I do think that hope means I wake up every morning because I trust that there is a King on a throne who is madly in love with me. Hope means I get out of bed because I trust He has a plan for my ashes and my life. Hope is knowing I will be okay because I trust a good God. This is what I believe hope looks when you are waiting on the beautiful.
FOR FURTHER THOUGHT God knows the ashes are coming; they don’t surprise Him. He is writing the story. When we were told that we couldn’t foster, we were surprised but God was not. He knew from the moment I met Scott that this would be our story. It didn’t surprise him!!
He is the great redeemer. He won’t leave you in the ashes, it’s not who He is. He left heaven and took on flesh to save a world that didnt even love Him, so there’s no way He is going to leave you in the ashes now.
This is the most important thing I can leave you with: if it isn’t beautiful then it isn’t over, and if it isn’t good then He isn’t done.
PRAYER Jesus, help me find You in the waiting. Continue to teach my heart what it means to wait well. I thank You that my story isn’t over and my heart is so grateful for the promises of Your word. Jesus, I love you and it is in Your name I pray, Amen.
MEGAN SITES
