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Ugly Thoughts

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

It was one of those mornings. My brain woke up well before my body did, racing away with all sorts of negative thoughts. Even in my half-comatose state, I managed to invite the Lord into my crazy swirling thought process. It didn't help; nor did the few positive scriptures and spiritual hymns I managed to recall.

The accusatory thoughts marched on. My brain pinged back and forth like those little metal balls in a pinball machine, bouncing between a multitude of conflicting thoughts in my semi-lucid state.

The alarm rang and I sat up, rubbing my tired eyes. While I claimed two things I was grateful for before my feet hit the floor, as is my habit, I didn’t feel it. My day was just starting, but I was drained, emotionally exhausted.

My sweet husband brought me my morning tea and we prayed together as usual. Yet this nagging feeling of failure, of disconnection, of fear persisted.

To give context, it had been quite a week. The water heater began leaking and needed repair. The rear car window broke (I’ve never even heard of that!) My hubby’s car needed an expensive repair to keep running. We had to contend with a slew of serious people drama that was well beyond our abilities or control.

Then, to top it off, our HVAC went out. In the middle of winter. During record low temperatures. Oh, yeah. It was going to require complete replacement. The dollar signs we were going to need to dish out were staggering. Happy New Year.

So, it was with a heavy heart that I stumbled to my office that morning. Desperate for something, anything different than my current mental state of war, I opened my Bible. And my current devotional book.