When You Can't Fix Your Adult Child's Pain: Learning to Trust God Instead

If you’ve ever lain awake worrying about your grown child, wondering where you went wrong, you’re not alone. Many parents struggle silently when you can’t fix your adult child’s pain, no matter how much you long to help. We all carry unspoken dreams for our children. We imagine them steady, happy, and purposeful. But when life circumstances interrupt that vision (such as depression, addiction, distance, or pain), it can shake us to the core.

When You Can’t Fix Your Adult Child’s Pain

As a parent, I can begin asking myself: Why does it feel like my love or parenting skills have failed my child?

My children are a blessing and a precious gift from God. However, my identity cannot be based on my children’s accomplishments or choices. Still, when I get that late-night phone call from a child in pain, it is so easy to be overwhelmed by grief, or even guilt—feeling like I should be able to make things better, or fearing that I will be judged for how I raised them.

I can stay stuck in grief or self-blame, or I can remember that I am not responsible for my adult child’s decisions. Once grown, they become the authors of their own lives, and my role shifts to prayer and trust rather than control.

As a parent, I can share with my adult child the moments from my own life when I messed up or life treated me unfairly and God became my strength. God stood me up time and again when I had no strength of my own. God breathed life where there was death and offered hope that overcame despair, fear, and doubt. God provided a new vision for my life.

When I start to worry, I turn to these verses that remind me God’s love and protection for my child are far greater than mine:

“The Lord will keep you from all harm—He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” --Psalm 121:7–8

“But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one.” --2 Thessalonians 3:3

“For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.” --Psalm 91:11

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch out Your hand against my enemies, and Your right hand will save me.” --Psalm 138:7

These verses remind me that God is unstoppable, unchangeable, and all-powerful. God fights for me—and for my child—even when I can’t see it. My circumstances or those of my child may not change quickly, but God is always in control. I can trust God’s vision for my life and for the life of my adult child.

Some practical steps that I have taken—and shared with my children—to equip them for life’s seasons of uncertainty, pain, or loss include the following:

• FROG – Fully Rely on God. Focus on hope. Trust that when life changes, God is doing a new thing and His love will lead you forward.

  
  

• SOAP – I tell my children that just as soap cleans your body for a new day, God’s Word prepares your mind for a new beginning.S – Write out scripture or a Bible verse to meditate on.O – Observe what stands out or speaks to you.A – Apply what God is showing you to your own life.P – Pray for guidance in applying God’s Word to your circumstances, decisions, and actions.

  
  

• Gratitude Practice: Write down three things you’re thankful for each morning or evening. Gratitude shifts your focus from fear to faith.

  
  

• JKB – Just Keep Breathing. God breathed life into you and will sustain you. When anxiety rises and your thoughts race, pause and breathe deeply. Try a simple mantra like: “God says I am enough” (inhale), “I have nothing to fear” (exhale).

  
  

I find comfort in knowing that neither my child nor I have to face life alone. God never intended us to. God fights our battles. God’s love is constant and powerful enough to heal and restore what is broken. Whether my situation improves quickly or remains hard for a while, I hold to three truths: God is good. God is my refuge. God’s care is constant and faithful, holding me steady no matter what comes.

FOR FURTHER THOUGHT

It is deeply human to want to fix our children’s problems, yet this instinct to be the “fixer” can unintentionally get in God’s way. If our children always turn to us with their problems, how will they learn to turn to God and trust God with the circumstances that threaten to knock them down or derail their dreams?

Consider asking yourself:“What am I carrying that God has not asked me to carry? Who in my life is God calling me to serve rather than control? How can I focus more on God’s calling and less on my own desires?”

Even if you don’t have adult children—or children at all—consider where you may be carrying responsibility for someone else’s journey and how God might be inviting you to release that burden and trust Him with those you love.

Choose one of the practical steps above to try this week—either on your own or with a loved one. Even small steps of surrender create space for God’s healing to begin.

If you’re walking through uncertain situations with your child right now, know that your worth as a parent is not defined by their journey. God’s love covers you both. If this message encourages you, share it with another parent who might need to hear they’re not alone.

PRAYER

Loving God, I thank you for creating me, my children and all people with a purpose. I pray that the weight of past heartbreak does not stop me from stepping into future dreams. Help me believe You more fully and surrender my plans to Your will. Replace every lie with Your truth. Heal all that is broken and make me whole again, that I may live with a surrendered heart and open hands. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

ABOUT MARLA WALDRON

Marla Waldron is a devoted daughter of the Heavenly Father, and she embraces her roles as a sister, wife, mother, teacher, and friend with grace and dedication. For 35 years, she has served as a public school educator, mentoring countless beginning teachers and currently working as an Intervention Specialist with Kindergarten students. In her local church and community, Marla faithfully contributes by volunteering at food and clothing banks, participating in fundraising events, and actively engaging in, as well as leading, small group Bible studies for The Dented Fender Ministry. A mother of three grown children, Marla has also taken on the responsibility of caring for her 50-year-old brother with multiple handicaps since their father's passing. Despite facing dark tunnels of grief and self-doubt, Marla has learned to lean on God’s grace, holding tightly to His truths and trusting in His guidance one step at a time. She and her husband live in Ohio, embracing the unpredictable ride of life with faith and resilience.

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