Enemies Made Family: the Power of Reconciliation

This is the third installment in our "Bridge Builders" unity series. If you’ve walked through family pain, please read gently—this story includes childhood abuse, but it ends in hope.

To say my sister and I had a complicated relationship growing up is putting it mildly.  It was fraught with physical and emotional abuse, embarrassment and anger.  She even threw a knife at me once.  Literally.  Threw.  A knife. 

So how on earth did we go from crazy and broken to close and supportive?  Why am I so excited now when she calls me or comes for a visit?  Let me tell ya—it’s quite a story.

I was full of anger and so much pain when I became a Christian at the tender age of 19.  Only I didn’t feel “tender.”  I felt dead inside, beat up by life.  Is it any wonder that Matthew 23:27 resonated so deeply with me—not because I thought I was better than anyone else, but because I felt hollow inside: “You…look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.”  Yep, that pretty much summed up what I felt.

Enter my first genuine encounter with the Jesus of the Bible.  Not some fair-haired, mild-mannered Jesus on a poster somewhere that seemed distant and irrelevant.  Not the Jesus I had met through religion that was a hard taskmaster or a permissive parent.  But the God of the universe made flesh, who had a deep, abiding, miraculously divine love for me. 

It didn’t matter to Him that I was broken and dead inside.  My past didn’t dissuade Him from still choosing me.  Instead, He embraced me in my most tender, broken spaces.  He whispered words of love over me and covered my soul’s spiritual nakedness with His royal robe.  For louder than my past were these powerful truths:

“O my soul, come, praise the Eternal; sing a song from a grateful heart; sing and never forget all the good He has done.  Despite all your many offenses, He forgives and releases you.  More than any doctor, He heals your diseases.  He redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.  He satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s” (Psalm 103:2-5, NIV/VOICE).

And with that, I began to believe this, too: there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus—His Spirit freed me from the vicious cycle of sin and death (Romans 8:1-2, TLB).

I was so aware of the price Jesus paid for me—still am.  To this day I can’t think about His sacrifice on the cross without tears of gratitude welling up and spilling over.  I have no doubt He died for me, and that it was my sin that crucified Him (Acts 2:36).  Yet He willingly chose to go.  For me.  And His grace has impacted me powerfully.

Which leads me back to my sister.  I knew that if we were to have a relationship, it would be by the grace of God.  I also began to see her no longer through the eyes of a hurting child, but the eyes of a transformed young woman who understood so many of our wrong choices come from places of deep hurt and pain.  Including hers. 

More importantly, I knew I was called to show her the light of Jesus.  To make clear, as best I could in my own flawed way, that Jesus loved her every bit as much as He loved me.  That it wasn’t too late for her, either. 

And so began the journey.  I started to try to understand her story.  To ask questions so I could look at our childhood through her eyes.  To focus on serving and loving her well in the ways she could receive and would be meaningful to her.

It was a journey that would take several years to thoroughly unravel all the woundings, though the immediate effects were seen rather early on.  We talked and actually laughed together fairly quickly.  She saw remarkable changes in me that made her curious.  Most importantly, she found Jesus for herself. 

Then somewhere in our forties, the last remnants of hurt were erased one night in a long conversation in the kitchen.  Good things always seem to happen in the kitchen, don’t they? 

That night, the last traces of jealousy and anger completely evaporated.  God had performed a true miracle—the complete healing of our relationship.  And our trajectory together has forever been changed. That, right there, is the power of reconciliation.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  My sister’s still a strong personality.  And she probably still finds me annoying sometimes.  But she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it, and there’s nothing she wouldn’t do to help someone who is down and out or struggling.  Her selflessness challenges and inspires me regularly.

To be clear, not every relationship in my life has been a success story.  My story with my sister is the clearest picture I have of reconciliation—but it’s not the only kind of relationship God has asked me to navigate.  There are still people in my life with whom I am not reconciled, no matter how hard I try.  Or people I choose to love from afar to keep myself emotionally safe (something Jesus also did), yet love nevertheless.  And yes, that’s hard! 

Even when people are rude, nasty, unkind, and assume the very worst of me, God calls me to still love and pray for them.  To ask for their blessing and their healing, even when they are being mean-spirited and unloving towards me.  That’s not an easy, rosy path, for sure. 

Many of my tears and prayers have gone up before the throne room of God about these challenging relationships.  Yet always the Spirit brings me back to the Cross, to remind me of who I am apart from Jesus; of the many, many sins for which I’ve been forgiven.  I hear Him whisper, “He who is without sin, let him throw the first stone.”  I feel the weight of my stone of judgment fall slowly to the ground.

The silver lining?  God being who He is has done some of His best work in shaping and growing my character through the people who challenge me the most.  He has taken this selfish, proud, broken woman and molded me into someone that I actually like.  Why?  Because I resemble Him, however imperfectly.  And the peace and joy that passes understanding, no matter my circumstances with people, is priceless. 

Which leads me back to you, beloved. God is in the business of reconciliation.  He not only reconciles us to Himself, but to each other.  Did you know there are over 100 verses on “one another” relationships—verses about doing life well together—in the Bible?  That’s how seriously our interconnectedness matters to God. 

In fact, the Apostle John tells us plainly, “Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness.  Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble” (1 John 2:9-10, NIV). 

We are called to love the unlovable.  To pray for our enemies.  To bless those who persecute us.  To love like Jesus loves—regardless of race, religion, beliefs, political affiliations, or anything else the enemy uses to separate us.  And yes, to love even when it seems unfair to be asked to do so. 

Love isn’t being a doormat.  It is choosing to love people into a relationship with Jesus.  As God says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18, NIV).  As Christians, that is our call.  The question is, does your life reflect it?  If that feels heavy, you’re not alone—next, I want to share a few practical steps that have helped me live this out. 

FOR FURTHER THOUGHT

There are a few clear biblical principles to keep in mind as we strive to reconcile with people.  Before we talk about reconciliation, we have to talk about words.  Because healing is often built, or burned down, one sentence at a time.  So it’s no surprise the first principle is:

#1 – FILTER MY WORDS. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Is what I’m about to share or post necessary?  Is it kind?  Will this build someone up according to his or her needs, or just vent what I feel?  Is it meant with love, or to vindicate me?  Remember that while building others up doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, it means when I do speak, I want my words to carry the character of Jesus; to train my mouth to become something that speaks life.

From there, we need to ask ourselves who we are striving to please.

#2 – PLAY TO AN AUDIENCE OF ONE.  Jesus follows up the challenge to love our enemies with this: “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.  Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:35-36, NIV).    

This earth is not my home, nor is this world my highest allegiance.  Heaven is.  I play to an audience of one: Jesus.  When I choose to love instead of react in a way that is dismissive, angry, or inflammatory, God is pleased.  The angels celebrate.  It doesn’t matter if no one else “gets” it or understands; my God does and He delights in my choice.  In the end, that’s all that’s going to matter.

With that in mind, I can grab a hold of God’s unconditional love for others more easily. 

#3 – LOVE AS I'VE BEEN LOVED.  2 Corinthians 5:14-15 says, “For Christ’s love compels us…And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again.” 

I have been forgiven of so, so much.  The incredible love I feel from Christ truly does compel me to come down from that limb I’ve put myself out on and rest in my identity in Christ.  To love others and forgive because I have been forgiven of so much!  Going back to the Cross of Christ helps me to keep judgment where it belongs—firmly in God’s hands. 

Want to grow in this?  Make space to spend some time in Luke 6:27-36 and 2 Corinthians 5:14-21.  How does the idea of loving your enemies and being an Ambassador tie together?  Are there any areas in your life that the Spirit is nudging you to look at more closely?  Seek a practical next step to grow in your ability to love and reconcile with others. 

Need help understanding the Cross?  The most powerful exercise I’ve ever done—literally ever—was verbally confessing all of my sin to God (no exceptions—He knows anyway) and then reading The Passion of Christ from a Medical Point of View.  I’ve never seen anyone killed on a cross, and for the first time I understood, in sobering detail, the price Jesus was willing to pay to set me free.  Grab your tissues and make space for gratitude to wash over you in a fresh way.

PRAYER

Lord, where would I be outside of Your love? I don’t even want to know. Help me remember the many ways You have healed and helped me so I may turn and help others. Remind me that expecting those who don’t love You to act like they do is not fair. Really, it means they need to find their way home to You. Help me step into those spaces in a way that makes sense. Most of all, may I keep in front of me always the remarkable love that Jesus displayed for me on the Cross so I can walk in His footsteps of grace. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

ABOUT BARB LOWNSBURY

Barb is a speaker, author, and entrepreneur. She holds Bachelor's Degrees in International History and Education, as well as a Master’s Degree in Education. Barb has spoken at conferences and taught classes throughout the U.S. on topics including faith, relationships, leadership, and courage through trials. Her book, Using What’s Broken to Boldly Shine, is a powerful read on transformation through adversity. Her blog focuses on providing people with everyday encouragement and strength. Barb serves as the Executive Director and Editor for The Dented Fender Ministry and runs a successful real estate and development company. She and her husband currently reside in Lebanon, Ohio.

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